it's a blog.

formspring.me

2010-05-16T14:07:00.001-07:00

Ask me anything. :] http://formspring.me/igotohollywood

2009-11-20T10:42:00.001-08:00

(2/6) at all. i don't want to mess with anyone, i don't want to hurt anyone, and i don't want an enemy. i want to be that one little tree branch that keeps

2009-11-20T01:04:00.001-08:00

if only he didn't hate me.

2009-11-20T00:52:00.005-08:00

(3/3) you home. that's not me, that's not my job, and i will not be penalized for not doing it.

2009-11-20T00:52:00.003-08:00

(2/3) it hurt a hell of a lot more when the numbness ends. for now, i'll just be the quiet observer; here to offer a limb. but i won't pull you up and carry

2009-11-20T00:52:00.001-08:00

(1/3) (6/6) protective wing. say loving things, feign feelings deeper than my age will allow, and make the bad stuff go numb for a while. but that just makes

2009-11-20T00:50:00.005-08:00

(5/6) i've gotten into too much trouble by doing that. i always feel the need to keep people that i think need fixing, and hide them under my nice, warm

2009-11-20T00:50:00.003-08:00

(4/6) feelings. like a perscribed single-serving friend. one that you have every day, but never cross the line into being bestfriends-that-know-everything.

2009-11-20T00:50:00.001-08:00

(3/6) him from plummeting into the waters below. i'm not much, and i don't want to be any more than that. just a friend. light chatter, nothing deep, no

2009-11-20T00:49:00.005-08:00

(3/6) him from plummeting into the waters below. i'm not much, and i don't want to be any more than that. just a friend. light chatter, nothing deep, no

2009-11-20T00:49:00.003-08:00

(1/6) Fwd: Sent: Nov 20 3:46AM Msg: kind of sick humor by watching as some grown man's emotions rise and fall through a social networking site. that's not it

2009-11-20T00:49:00.001-08:00

(2/6) at all. i don't want to mess with anyone, i don't want to hurt anyone, and i don't want an enemy. i want to be that one little tree branch that keeps

2009-11-20T00:46:00.001-08:00

(1/6) kind of sick humor by watching as some grown man's emotions rise and fall through a social networking site. that's not it at all. i don't want to mess

2009-11-20T00:38:00.001-08:00

i'd like to say that what i'm doing isn't spying. it's just keeping a careful eye on things. not so i can say that i watched as he fell, or that i can get some

2009-10-28T19:02:00.001-07:00

Honestly, you're kinda being a poser. Ha. Never been to Philly, New York, whatever. Being Charlie from "It's always Sunny" isnt a cool goal.

bigmouth strikes again.

2009-09-09T15:37:00.000-07:00

sweetness, sweetness i was only joking.

first day of school.
well, lets see. it started off with a full two hours of sleep. that was fun. then, i proceeded to the bus stop where, go figure, i was completely isolated. the bus ride wasn't bad, but you know. ha. then i went to homeroom, got my locker, blah blah blah. first class is tv tech, and each student gets an ipod touch instead of paper and stuff. for classroom only, but still. it's the only class i like so far. i don't really have any patience to sit here and talk about the other classes, but whatever. the people are all the same, the school is confusing, the classes are lame, and i'm tired as hell.

only one hundred and seventy nine days to go.
theoretically.

run away with me,

2009-08-06T20:16:00.000-07:00

run away with me tonight.

so, i was planning on putting up this big, angsty, four-paged bitch fest that i wrote last night in a notebook, but i just don't have that kind of time.
so i'm gonna give you the short of it.
i'm fucking tired of everything. i sleep six hours a night, meaning i fall asleep at five am, and wake up at eleven. usually. if i'm not sleeping for fourteen or so hours. i'm not eating, i'm not doing ANYTHING. i'm sitting, then laying down, then sitting, then reading, then sleeping, then wasting away. no one fucking cares about a word i say, and no one cares about what i want. i'm being accused of so many things that i'm not doing, or..doing but not intending to, and i'm sick. and fucking tired. of it. maybe one day i'll stop being so cynical.
but for now i just want you to know that i'm not ignoring you. i am a human being, one with very strict and hover-y parents, and i just dont have the time for any of it. i am unable to get on facebook. i am constantly watched so it's very limited the time i can get on instant messenger, and when i do, you're not there. i cant be there every step of the way but, shit, i wish i could be. you gotta bear with me for a while.

so...here's the music i've been listening to. well, songs.

(may you one day) carry me home - the forecast [ONLY the acoustic version. ha.]
i can't decide - there for tomorrow [shutup. lol.]
black hole - the silent years
cough syrup - the jakes
yawns - frightened rabbit
are you true? - the new amsterdams
the longest day - megafaun
and then you - greg laswell
hero - regina spektor
you make my dreams - hall & oates
the home - portugal the man
a little faster - there for tomorrow [again, only the acoustic one.]
amateur hour - the films
sweet disposition - temper trap
chandelier - sleeping at last
turn smile shift repeat - phantom planet
hawaii - evernew
please, please, please, let me get what i want [cover] - she & him [i'm addicted to the 500 days of summer soundtrack, if you couldn't tell.]
my broken heart - noah and the whale
and
that's about it.

xo.

ps. blog isn't so hot right now. when it looks better, i'll post a link. sorry.

i'm the hero of the story; don't need to be saved.

everyone's a voyerist,

2009-08-04T18:38:00.000-07:00

they're watching me watch them watch me right now.

so i did it. i started the blog. LOL. it's just basically a very mediocre excuse for a teenager doing what a twenty-something should be doing. but i've only been doing it since monday. really, i'm just hoping to discover some new music out of it. hahaha. and mom's all on me about it. asking me if i've updated it, how many people have looked at it, blah blah blah whatever. but you know, haha. so....

yeah i've got nothin.

xo.

you keep calling it a crash and burn.

2009-08-02T19:11:00.000-07:00

just wait your turn, you might get time to speak.

another day passes. all i can do, really, is hope that the next won't be quite as disappointing as the one before it. hey, boredom isn't all that bad. i get to think endlessly and hate myself a little less. i figure, if i keep thinking, i might like the way i think. if i keep looking at my self, i'll become accustomed to the way i look. if i keep talking, if i keep acting the way i do, if i keep singing, if i keep living, i just might like me. so far, so good. i've FINALLY done more research on the chosen career path, and although i might have to choose another one to go alongside of it, i'm getting there. it's not as far-fetched as i originally thought it would be, and all i have to do is start off with a blog. not this kind, one about music. one that reviews albums, live shows, stuff like that. then, i get better and i find more about things. you know, then i get as much journalism done in high school and college as i can, and freelance until i find a steady job. i would LOVE to eventually move up to editor if i end up working for a magazine? but who knows how often that happens. so i'm just gonna hope that i can do what i want for a while, and then maybe move on to something else. maybe in the next three or so years i'll learn that i'm good at something else, and maybe work hard on both.
this is silly. i might as well just go with the flow.
but planning is fun, too.
jesus, i'm indecisive.

xo.

i'm stuck in this fuckin' rut,

2009-08-02T12:48:00.000-07:00

waiting for a secondhand pick-me-up.

so i saw 500 days of summer. aunt jojo got a little annoying with the whole 'this is me and paul' crap, but i thought it was a really good movie. got the soundtrack. good soundtrack.
not much else going on? just kinda bored and i feel like shiiiiit. i've been throwing up, achey, and feverish for the past three days. maybe i'm just depressed and overreacting.

blah.
xo.

hm.

2009-07-29T22:06:00.000-07:00

so, and not that i really need an answer, because i'm pretty sure i know why,
but can someone tell me why i can't fall asleep before six am? doesn't matter how early i wake up, how early i TRY--in vain--to go to sleep, i cant. whatever. but here's what you've "missed."

monday: i had to wake up at six. i had to get dressed and ready to meet my new guidance counselor at eight in the morning sharp. i was getting registered. getting my classes. something people should be excited about. and half of it was fun. watching joey getting excited about taking both geometry AND honors algebra II was, albeit funny, cute. we're taking german and choir together, and she got excited about that, too. mrs.welde got all excited seeing johanna's grades. all a's, all her life, and only a single b. her entire life. when she was done, johanna went and sat with my brothers as she explained the credit system. here's how it works: for every class, you get five credits since you meet five days a week. except for science, you get six credits in that because you meet six times a week. most people have 30-40 credits earned at the end of the year. this is a prestigious school, so everyone does good. if you fail a semester, you fail the year. you CANT drop classes, and you CANT test out of classes. so at fountain, if you fail half a year, you get half a credit. one credit a class, six or eight or however many credits a year. there, i was behind, but not too far behind that i couldn't make it up. but here, according to their system, i had 35 credits. a freshman has that many credits at the end of the year. so, like mom always said i would be, i am going to be going to high school for ANOTHER year. i'm starting as a sophomore, i'm the same age as everyone else so it shouldn't matter, no one will know, i'll do good, i'll go to college, i'll have a future, but no matter what, when that day comes that the class of 2011 is graduating, i will know. i'll have that stabbing pain of regret knowing i should have listened. i should have paid attention, i should have turned in my homework, i should have wanted better for myself. i mean, mrs.welde says there are plenty of "super-seniors" at this school, and it's a commonish thing, and that i shouldn't worry, but try harder, but i hate proving my mother right.

tuesday: i, um, moped and slept. then we went to the library. i got three books, which i really didn't want to? but they didn't have the books i wanted. all checked out. go figure. i got "debbie harry sings in french", "one flew over the cuckoo's nest", and "what it is". the last one i really like. it's basically, the first half, is a bunch of crudely painted random pictures, and it kinda gets you thinking, when the second half is a bunch of things that make you a better writer. the whole concept is teaching with images. not like, pictures, but a memory in 3-d, is how i think of it. for example, there's one where you think of the first car you can ever remember, and write about your most vivid memory. you answer questions as you write it. where are you? which seat are you sitting in? what season is it? who's with you? and it's really cool.

today: i did nothing.

so, basically, my life has become one big mopey BLAH, and i'm tired of it. school doesn't start until september ninth.

lame.
xo.

there's sand in my ear.

2009-07-25T21:59:00.001-07:00

and i'm pretty sure i'm half mermaid after all this beach exposure. haha.

so, my cousin stayed with me for the past three days. she did EXACTLY what i did two years ago when i was "forced" to stay with my aunt for two months on a college campus, which in fact, turned out to be the best summer of my life. she cried like CRAZY, said all these things that she wishes she hadn't, got bribed, and moped. lol. only she stayed for three days. but whatever. that's cool. haha.
since she got here, we've gone to the beach three times, count it. i'm getting like, native american dark on top, and i'm still TRANSLUCENT on bottom. that's not fair. haha. but, i had fun. my lips still taste like salt water LOL. and i kinda missed changing into my pajamas and seeing sand all over the ground after like, three showers in a row. LOL.
but i read survivor. that was a really really great book. i'm a little pissed that i read it in less than two days, but, you know. haha.
and i got some cool shells.

damn. my life is boring other than that.
xo.

everybody says that girl's talk is cheap,

2009-07-17T12:29:00.000-07:00

but i bought every line, down to my last dime.

lame day today. lame mood. lame weather.
i woke up at ten, didn't eat, tripped over joey's crap, brought cardboard boxes out into the rain like an idiot, and folded clothes. lol. i mean, it got better when i downloaded a truckload of music, and got on facebook today ;)
but still. mom said, "what day is it today?" and i said "it's the seventeenth." and got instantly bummed. on my calendar, it's marked with a big "FR!". i was supposed to gooooooooo.
but whatever. issokay.

haha.
xo.

lay with me, stay with me now.

2009-07-16T08:57:00.000-07:00

went to philly on tuesday, shopped yesterday, and lost the dog today. haha.

philly was cool. more corporate than i expected, but i really only saw a couple blocks. mom is getting enrolled in culinary school, and that's cool, i guess. i know i at least have a job whenever she opens that bakery she's been meaning to open for my entire life. we went to a dunkin donuts where we were the only white people, saw a bunch of business people, etcetc. then i got home and put glow-in-the-dark star stickers all over my ceiling. when i get my own place, not only are they going on the ceiling in my room, but in every single room in the house. i'm serious.

we went grocery shopping, you know, since we had nothing. 450 dollars. seriously? like, ughhh. that pretty much squashed my chances of seeing frightened rabbit, but then again, what's new? haha. it was a long day, and it sucked.

so, okay, at the park near my house, there's a lake, right? and there are turtles in it. like, not one, or two, but like, ALOT. there's a bunch of little ones, and we named some chester, lisa, gerry, ellie, deedee, and big poppa. big poppa is HUUUUUGE. but we barely saw him because he kept going back under.

lols.
xo.

my, my, what a mess we've made.

2009-07-11T21:19:00.000-07:00

it's fucking thundering like crazy.

so, much to my dismay, the shit hit the fan. ugh. i knew it would happen, i'm not gonna lie, because i was trying to squeeze every bit i could out of it. but i just wish it wouldn't, you know? whatever. what's done is done, i can't change it, i guess i can just wait. haha. i have alot to do this summer, alot to gain, and unfortunately, i'm gonna have to put everyone and everything on hold for it. i dont want to. but, okay this is gonna sound stupid, but i went to pf changs today. my fortune read: "a visit to a strange place will give you a newfound perspective." i want to see that perspective. i'm never gonna do that if my head is stuck in colorado. not that i dont love it/the people there. but, i really only keep in touch with two people from there ANYWAY. i need to detatch from everyone, and slowly get connected again. because...i dont know. i kinda like not knowing what's going on.
like today. i went to the most beautiful beach i've been to since hawaii. it was in surf city, new jersey, and it had the softest sand, the biggest and most killer shells, and actual clean, bluegreen, friendly, endless, GORGEOUS ocean. today...i shed insecurities a bit. today, i had the best, most summeriest day ever. i got a tan, i had fun in the water, i buried my brothers countless times in the sand, and AUGH it was fantastic. it was kinda nice to not think about anything, when i've been thinking about nothing but him for the past 48 hours. thinking about, dreaming about, crying about him. and it sucks that this happened, but i dont know. ugh i'm so confused haha.
haha. so i got a book the other day. it's called "pride and prejudice and zombies". IT'S SO AWESOME. see, i have never read the original pride and prejudice, so i wouldn't know how the original story goes. but this book is the same pride and prejudice, ONLY WITH FLESH-DEVOURING ZOMBIES. holy fucking shit. it's awesome :D i think i'm gonna go through another zombie phase. i mean, not that it's a bad thing...LOL.
my aunt's birthday party is today. i have to look nice. ehhhhhhhh. it's gonna be no fun now that she's preggo. LOL. kiddingggg :)

yeah, so i fell in love with two things today. fuck you aurora by alkaline trio, and lonely day by phantom planet. those to songs, along with 73 other songs, made up my beach day playlist. <3

oh, and if you walk onto a beach and listen to stay away by rooney, you feel like a cheesy idiot who deserves to be on a USA show. but it also feels pfg.

[pretty fuckin great.]

xo.

uh.

2009-07-09T20:17:00.000-07:00

so we got the keys to our house today. jody, our realtor, came by and we all basically hung out. we met our neighbors, a single mom with two girls--who are the same age as my brothers--and she's a chef. mom geeked out about that a little bit. haha. we actually move in tomorrow. if you could call it that. we're not getting our stuff until monday. but that's alright. we'll be sleeping on the floor in our HOME, not a hotel. lol. came home, ate dinner, but i've been pissed off since six.
i hate knowing i'm NEVER enough. like, it fucking sucks. i'd love to have the ability to make everything better, but i know i cant, and that pisses me off. i'd love to know that when someone close to me, especially someone i love and care about, would confide in me if something, anything was wrong. but apparently they wouldn't. and that pisses me off.
and i'd love to know that i'm not just making up stories in my head when i really think i finally have someone to call my best friend. someone to tell anything to.
jesus christ i hate moving.
and people.
just about everything.

i miss the old me. the optimistic one i knew for about six months.

xo.

don't let me go,

2009-07-07T19:21:00.000-07:00

i'd fall apart.

standard procedure today. i stayed up until four in the morning, slept until seven or eight, and got dressed. i got in the car, not knowing where we were going, and i passed out. i still really dont know what all happened while i was sleeping. haha. then we went to a diner, which was pretty cool. good food, jukeboxes, the works. there must have been a michael jackson song every five seconds. which was cool and all, but there were only two to choose from. haha.
then we went home and watched the michael jackson memorial, which was the best memorial i've ever seen. really that's the ONLY one i've ever seen, but still. i cried a little while jermaine sang. lols.
after that...it's really all just sitting around and doing nothing. despising this damn hotel and all who inhabit it. sitting OUTSIDE doing nothing, and despising everyone. LOL.

jesus christ why am i here.
ha.

xo.

when you've all but given up,

2009-07-06T22:24:00.000-07:00

float back to me.

sooooooo today was a'ight. woke up at about noon, went and showed my aunt our new house--which we're signing for today--and we drove around medford. it's a frickin beautiful town. there's so much to do, and all of it's within walking distance. like, there were kids my age just hanging out at the dunkin donuts. [yay for east coast and their excessive amount of dunkin donuts!] i really cant wait until i'm like, a PART of it. hanging around my huge neighborhood, going to the park, going to school...which, that's another thing. so we drove by our schools, and when we got to me and joey's, richard went inside and asked some questions, right? so turns out, we have to go to the counselor the day after tomorrow, and do...well, i'm not actually quite sure what we're gonna do. either way, we eventually have to take a placement test and all of that. it's a really huge school and a really huge campus. bigger than my old one by alot, actually. so, i'm pretty excited.
but then, after that, we all got pretty grumpy because we kept hanging around the hotel room. like, honestly, if that douche hadn't turned us down because we were military, we would have been in the house, stuff unpacked, relaxing by now. now we have to wait until FRIDAY to even walk through the front door. but anyways, we all got antsy, and decided to go to atlantic city! i mean, it sounds pretty awesome, right? they went there on real housewives, and it was glamorous, right? not the part WE were in. jesus christ! it was like, a mile into the city, and we found sand. so we drove towards it and decided thats where we were gonna go. so the first thing we see are these guys cursing and yelling like, "that's fucked up, man! what the hell!?" and i didn't really know what to think of it? until i saw this naked homeless man laying down on the ground, on his back, and peeing on himself! GROSSSS. then, we got on the beach, put our stuff out, and the beach was gross. i'm not snoody or anything, i've been to bad beaches before and not minded, but this was like...dirty. then this filipino dude comes to the beach, strips down to his tighty-whiteys, and gets in the water. it's really no use in wearing the underpants, dude. it was so seethrough. so the whole time, i was hoping all i had to see was his saggy pale ASS showing through his underwear, but he turned around. and EWWWW. needless to say, we didn't stay long. but that's not the best part. walking OUT of the beach, we found a RAZOR BLADE just sitting there on the boardwalk. yuck. haha.
so we drove home, aunt jojo drove back to scarsdale, and we had dinner. watched yet another documentary on michael jackson, and now we're here.
i did some research on music journalism, because that's what i want to do, right? so my first choice was blender. simply because all my favorite bands in middle school i found in that magazine, and i had a subscription a while ago. they stopped printing in april! it sucked so bad. haha. so then i looked on the alternative press website, and it was soo easy to find info and stuff. there was an interview with someone who worked there, someone very big in AP, and he basically laid out in front of you exactly what you needed to do to become a journalist at alternative press. pretty awesome. and, i'm really planning on looking into an internship when i get into college. in some ways, that's really awesome that i know how to do what i want to do, but at the same time, i really wish i WASN'T a junior, and didn't HAVE to know, you know? i miss middle school, when i could say i wanted to be a rockstar when i grew up, which was the plan in sixth grade, unfortunately, and the conversation was over! nobody cared about credits, extracurriculars, volunteer hours, all that. now, my mother's hovering over me, making sure i have a plan, a blueprint, a map of EXACTLY what my life is going to be like, what i'm going to do about money, living, settling down. i'm not really old enough to predict exactly how my life is gonna go. she's turning forty in a month and she doesn't even know what she's gonna do. i mean, i know her intentions are good, but...you know. still. haha.
there's alot of good in my plans though. i know i'll always have SOMEONE to turn to. :) i feel like...i haven't even gotten close to getting out of here, but i still SEE it. it's within my reach, and i can almost taste it. i'm almost there.

xo.

natural disaster.

2009-07-05T22:44:00.000-07:00

so, for fourth of july, we had a barbecue. like everyone else in this country. lol. it was cool. we went to new york, i saw my grandma, went to aunt roros house, saw jake and claude, and it was all good. the food was good, we had fun, and i got caught up with jake and claude, who i hadn't seen in FOREVER. it sucked a little bit that claude was just a taller, whiter, and preppier version of zach, cause i was really bummed by the end of the night, but we got to watch the neighbors setting off fireworks, and that was cool.
today, we had ANOTHER one. this time, aunt jojo drove down from the city and hung out. she really is my favorite aunt. haha. we were in the car, and she listened to an alkaline trio song, and she said she loved it! LOL. who knew. and she has every single cake cd. like, what the eff. thats awesome. haha :)
but i've been doing this thing where i'll get really really bummed for a long period of time for no reason. and i dont want to talk to anyone, and i feel like crying, and doing alot of other things i shouldn't. and i dont eat as much anymore. maybe that's good. who knows. lol.

eh. whatever. i'm too pissy or bummed or WHATEVER to blog right now.

xo.

a thousand miles seems pretty far,

2009-07-03T21:24:00.000-07:00

but they've got planes and trains and cars,
i'd walk to you if i had no other way.

i have a feeling july's gonna be pretty fantastic. the first, we saw our house. the second, i went to funplex. today's the third, and i had a GREAT day. first, we went to the shore. walked the boardwalk, saw some cool stuff, etc etc etc. theeeeeeeeeeen i went to see plain white t's. haha. i listened to them ALOT in 06 and 07, but kinda stopped after that. but, still, i knew EVERY word to their first albums, and sang along :) it was pretty amazing. so, this is what happened.
we got there, i stood RIGHT by the stage, and waited for a little while. this guy next to me, weird 24 year old, kept talking to me! at first, he was hitting on me. it was gross. then he finally said "how old are you?" LOL. he stopped after that. but he KEPT talking to me. i mean, it wasn't like...hitting on me anymore, until he said, "i dont want to be the creepy older guy, but may i compliment you? you are VERY hot for your age. more developed than you should be. nice." AHHHHH. SO GROSS. he wasn't even MILDLY good looking xD and throughout the whole concert, he wouldn't shut up. you know what sucked? i LOVE pwt. like, whatever. he didn't know anything about them, and only vaguely knew hey there delilah. lol. but he had an all-access pass, autograph, and he pushed past little kids to get to the front. like, what!? xD
theeen they came on, and i SCREAMED. they played a few songs, i jumped and sang along, and stuff you do at concerts, right? tom walked by, i touched his shoe, i took pictures, yadda yadda. but okay, so they played this song "take you there" right? and tim is my FAVORITE band member, who happened to be literally two feet away from me. i was that close. so while they were doing that, i held my arm up and sang along, and at one point he pointed at me and sang, which was THE BEST MOMENT EVER, and after the song, they paused, AND HE GAVE ME HIS PICK. I TOUCHED HIS HAND. I HAVE HIS PICK. LIKE, WHAT?! YES. hahahaha x] other EPIC stuff happened, but you know, it was amazing. haha :)

xo.

look how far we've come.

2009-07-01T20:49:00.000-07:00

so we're finally here. new jersey. we found a house, which we might possibly move into this week. today, after six hours of sleep [if you could call it that] we went looking for a house, and we found one! it was a cool experience, because when i walked through each room, i could really see us living there.
aaaand my cousin and aunt drove from new york to come see us, and that was suuuuper cool. my cousin is pretty much the friend i wont lose touch with. haha. i told her about everything that has happened in the past year, and stuff of that nature. we hung out, played tennis, shot hoops, and i played guitar and we sang together. we could really make a good team, me, my cousin, and my sister. haha. we've been singing together since she was born. FOURTEEN YEARS AGO. lol :)
but we've been staying in this huge room at a residence inn, and...it'salright. haha. i just cant wait to get out of here and get our new house. and, best of all, i get to go to the school i wanted to! i reeeeally cant wait!
alot of the talking i did with my cousin was...about a certain person. haha. it brought back alot of memories and feelings. when she started talking about her boyfriend, he reminded me of him, so then i couldn't keep my mouth shut. all this talk about how he influenced me, how he made me listen to certain bands, how he's the reason for such-and-such, blah blah blah. when you get me started, i really could go on for days.
but i'm sure you already knew that.

xo.

2009-06-30T07:05:00.001-07:00

We're driving out of Kentucky now. I'm sure you'll be hearing more from me today, but for now I'll just be tapping my hot pink toes to the music. :)

just remember to

2009-06-29T23:37:00.001-07:00

smile, smile, smile. so everybody knows.

gahhhhhhhhh this is stupid. LOL. i can't see lately! it's sooo blurry! i keep rubbing my eyes and blinking really hard, and it's NOT GOING AWAY. i mean, i could wear glasses, but that's too much money. i could get them checked out, but that's "too much trouble for someone who obviously just wants glasses", when really, i look stupid in glasses. haha.
leaving for jersey in...two hours. haha. richard's gonna be pissy if he has to drive while i'm sleeping, but i really can't sleep tonight. too much to think about. too much. and what's silly is: i would never tell anyone what i'm thinking about right now. because it's SO STUPID. my extreme lack of self esteem/self worth leaves me worrying about everything. it makes it hard for me to be vulnerable and open up to anyone face-to-face, because in my head, i'm thinking, "they don't care. why am i telling them this? they probably hate me now. or they never liked me! it's all out of pity." every. single. person i am friends with. for some reason, i think they don't like me. or they hate me. or they're thanking the heavens that i'm gone. ignoring me little by little so maybe someday they can finally get rid of me for good and get on with their much too important lives. so, that makes me think stupid things. things that...i worry about alot, actually. too much, for this situation at least. LOL. people say when you hear things over and over, you eventually start to believe it, and you dont have to hear it again to believe it still holds truth. buuuuuut not frankie. lol. she's the weird one. her mother picks on her alot and gave her some sort of complex. what a freak.
hahahahahahahaha. see?
lol. issues. but this is what i think about. 24/7. and when i go out places, even in states i've never been in and will never be in again, i feel like i have to put on a show, and look like i'm cooler and nicer than i am to people who i will NEVER see again, just in case i bump into them, and they remember me as that insanely awesome girl they saw at the gas station at midnight in the middle of frickin nowhere. which, in all honesty, it makes no sense to really think about that kind of stuff. you know, live in the moment, no regrets, yadda yadda. bs. haha.
so while i could be doing important things like: finally packing up my shit, putting away my notebooks and assorted writing utensils, SLEEPING, playing solitaire...i'm thinking of why people, or really one in particular, doesn't or shouldn't want to have anything to do with me, and the possibility that they really, in actuality, hate me! i know i have friends, i know i do. i know i'm loved by at least one person in this god-forsaken planet, but...hahahaha. there i go again. if i claim something for another person, it becomes false. jesus christ i belong in a loony bin.
lol. at least i finished making that bracelet :) it's such a piece of crap, probably because i'm not very talented LOL, but at least it has character. haha. not really sure how i'm gonna send it across the country without anyone suspecting anything? but i guess i'll find out. haha.

xo.

yep.

2009-06-29T19:05:00.001-07:00

Mobile blogging. Ohhhhh this road trip is gonna be fun xD

smile.

2009-06-29T18:44:00.000-07:00

i had a goooooooood day today! :)
dad drove from chilicothee, which i found out is only three hours away from here, and we spent the day together. yep. me, joey, and dad. first, we went to fourth street live, but that ended up just being bars and restaurants, so we went to mall after mall after MALL, and i got a flannel from american eagle :) then! we went to bat-n-putt, and played putt-putt. i got second :P yes, out of three, but i didn't lose! haha. theeeeeeeeeeeeen we went to golden corral, blah blah, and we went to an elementary school, where we played frisbee in a field.
all-around great day.
now, we're leaving for NEW JERSEYYYYY at six this tomorrow morning, which is...sooner than i thought, actually. lol. i'm sooo excited. we SHOULD get there either tomorrow morning or late tonight. either way, YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. haha! :D
and mom got me hemp bracelet making stuff, so i'll be occupied.

anyways.

xo.

sorry.

2009-06-28T21:21:00.001-07:00

just a little bored, and wanted to share something with you.
good thing about stopping here: when usually i'm the chunkier of the bunch, meaning my friend group, everyone around me, ETC, today, i was the thinnest person over the age of seven. yes, including my sister.
damn. that's fucking great.

:D

now in two days my cousin's gonna ruin my fun, but that's okay. i'm still PRETTY ON THE INSIDE.

lol. uh huh.

xo

june 28, 2009.

2009-06-28T20:33:00.001-07:00

today was HOT. like, not a dry heat, either. it was like the AIR was even sweating. haha. if not for the shade and fan, i would have died. haha x]
but today was an all-around okay day. being in kentucky, i have about a billion cousins and aunts and second-cousin-aunt-twice-removed who knows me, but i dont know them. LOL. all of which, i might add, are either over thirty or under seven. so at the barbeque we had today, me and my sister, thirteen, were sitting around wishing there were something to do. of course, there was the option to eat our weight in hamburgers and various different coleslaw varieties. but, you know. we didn't. xD
we played frisbee. haha. we're so hip, eh?
but! me, my awesome lesbian aunts, my mother, and my sister went to a local liquor store. YESSSS. xD! we were there to get virgin pina colada mix, margerita mix, and tequila, but me and my sister danced in the camera in the back and laughed at the screen. pretty much awesome.
but i've got to say, it was the biggest damn liquor store i have ever seen LOL.
anyways, dad's coming tomorrow. at ten in the morning. LOL. that's silly. haha. i have no idea what we're doing, maybe go see transformers, but i dont really see anything we CAN do in a state none of us lives in or is familiar with. haha. who knows. it could be...fun. haha.

i am being eaten alive. someone PLEASE SAVE ME. i have these huge welts and bumps all over my legs and arms and it sucks! :( is this what the east coast has become? OH NOOOO.

xo.

june 27, 2009.

2009-06-27T23:33:00.001-07:00

so we made it to kentucky without me shooting myself in the face. quite an accomplishment xD
so even through the summer the time is flying. i'll go to bed now, and maybe i'll wake up leaving for god-knows-where, out of high school, and ready for anything. haha. i just gotta be good, and do good in school. maybe i'll get a car. lol.
so dad's gonna come monday. hm.

xo.

june 26, 2009.

2009-06-27T23:29:00.000-07:00

great. wonderful. mom and richard fighting with me in the middle. awesome, right? now i dont know where my stuff is going, what's gonna happen, but hey. ac, comfy seat, no dog climbing all over me. and at least mom's silently fuming now, and not bitching at me like I'M supposed to know what to say. i just want to call SOMEONE, hahahahahahahahaha, but i cant.
what a day.

fuck.

xo.

june 26, 2009.

2009-06-27T23:25:00.000-07:00

jesus, really? he still wont close the windows! LOL. we're in missouri, about 600ish miles from kentucky. haha. fun. but, we're gonna be in jersey by wednesday. no house, granted. but still! :) i'm so nervous. i have no idea where we're gonna stay, so...rrrr. lol.
okay, now it's just pissing me off. he sees me struggling with the paper throwing around, and he even asked me if it was bothering me. i said yes, and he just looked away. fuckin ass. until i magically get a license and a job, he wont give me the time of day, and he's still gonna act like the usual self-righteous ass he is. ugh. i need a friend, and the only one i want to talk to isn't responding! LOL. story of my life. again.
jesus. being with a grown man who needs constant attention.
son of a bitch.

xo.

june 25, 2009; again.

2009-06-27T23:14:00.000-07:00

lincoln county, kansas. more nothing, only now there are windmills everywhere. i love seeing them, because the look soo....peaceful and clean. haha. that sounds stupid. but that's how it looks! jesus christ richard wont close the windows! ugh! haha whatever. it's still nice. so, turns out we're stopping in independence. pretty far away, but that's okay.
man, it's 9:20 and it looks like it's 6! ah, summer. you amaze me. lol. i'm pretty sure i'm only writing now because i'm bored? but you know. notebooks aren't THAT expensive. i'll buy a new one if i fill this up, which isn't far from happening. haha. at least i'll be able to remember every bit of my trip, right? haha. damn, i would suffer the heat. PLEASE put the window down! :(! whatever.
he's pissed off or something. lol! he's moodier than i am LOL. only four more days, baby! we didn't get our dream house, but we'll make the best of what we get, i'm sure. don't know where this sudden optimism came from, but i'm glad it finally showed up. because i'm pretty sure it's the only thing holding me up [holding me uuuuuuuuuuuppp LOL. frightened rabbit <3!]. i left colorado, and i'm never going back. you'd think i'd be a sobbing mess, but i'm actually kinda happy. new jersey. the garden state. eastern time. yayish. :)
so i keep listening to eet by regina spektor. it's pretty much the greatest thing to happen to me since this month started. it's sooooooo good.
topeka is 110 miles from her. not far. about halfway to kentucky. woooo. xD
jeez i hate stopping there! i'm NOT touchy-feely, i'm NOT a fan of [insert food] + bacon grease. lol. and i'm certainly not a fan of the room we always stay in. haha x] but its only for a day or so, so...good. haha. but! i cant wait to see MY grandma, and my aunts and cousins. AND ROROS BIG BELLY. and jake! lol! going to the city, seeing everyone, getting moved in, starting fresh FINALLY. i'm not looking forward to all the questions from my family pertaining to the whole...zach thing...but i made my own bed, might as well lie in it comfortably. anyways, who cares. i didn't do anything wrong. AHHH WHATEVERR. hahahahaha.
seeing dad is definitely gonna be weird, seeing dad, but as long as he's sending birthday and christmas gifts every year, might as well act like a real family, right? god, that sounded awful, but i didn't mean it like that, i swear! LOL.
unfortunately, the light is leaving me now. haha :)

xo.

june 25, 2009

2009-06-27T23:02:00.000-07:00

it's been awhile. going through kansas. the weather is interesting, but the rest of it is...boring at best. we're no closer to kansas city than we were three hours ago from the looks of it. it's all farmlands, farmlands, wheat, cows, FARM FRICKIN LANDS. haha. it's alot better, riding with richard, that is, than i thought it would be. he gets pissed at mom every once in a while, but he doesn't talk alot, and when he does, he's alright to talk to. he doesn't assume things like mom, and doesn't act like a total bitch. haha.
got my phone back today! i was sooooo happy, but of course, it effin dies. LOL. story of my life, eh? but tomorrow's gonna be good. hopefully less rainy and etc. haha.
i'm really excited to get to jersey, though. all new school, all new people, and an all new me. i get to act and dress like the person i am, not the person i want to try to be. that semi-popularity wasn't ME. i may have made some really great friends, some of the best, in fact, but they know who i am. and some of them CALLED me on it. i compromised who i was so i would please everyone, and don't get me wrong, making friends is great. but i could have made more friends if more people would have known who i WAS. but you know, i'm overall happy with my time in colorado.
i laughed, i cried, i lived, and i loved with all my heart. i have BEST friends, sisters, brothers, and memories to show for it. and i'm really glad to say i don't regret a damn thing. let's hope i'm lucky enough to have the ability to live my life like i have in the past, and love and care about people like i'm known for. yeah, it may be a character flaw that i care too much, but it's also one of my better aspects. i will always be there. i'd say i'm a pretty good friend. and none of my best experiences [and some of my worst] would have happened if i wasn't.
so, yeah. it's gonna be new and weird, living in new jersey, but that's what adventures are about, right? so on the first day of school, new and unknown, hands shaky, eyes wide, toes pointed in, and mind frazzled, i'm gonna take a deep breath and keep in mind that i have something to look FORWARD to. because it's not long before i venture off into a new world, no one there to baby me, and i'm gonna savor the feeling of invincibility while it lasts. seeing who i am, as soon as i walk out, i'm gonna feel more lost and fragile than ever, despite what i may think at times.
so, yep. it's june 25th, i'm driving down a road in the middle-of-nowhere kansas, avril lavigne is playing on the radio, michael jackson died thirty minutes ago, buster's sleeping next to me, and the wind is blowing much too hard. let it be known that as of now, i have a brand new mindset.

xo.

june 4, 2009.

2009-06-27T22:58:00.000-07:00

man, do you know how much it sucks to cry yourself to sleep? all i can think about is how my mother will never be proud of me, or that i'm nothing but a burden to her and the rest of my family. not to mention i already hate everything about myself, she's gotta make things worse. like, what the hell? she has no idea how much i wish i could be surrounded by people who actually want me around. or how much i want to get out of this place. i wish two years would just pass already.

ugh.

xo.

may 29, 2009.

2009-06-27T22:54:00.001-07:00

[later]
WHYYY is this happening? like, jesus. at the movies!? not only was he there, but he saw the same movie. at the same time. i walked RIGHT beside him when it was over. and it was KILLING me. i wanted to give him a hug, hold his hand, and i just wanted to hear that everything was okay. but noooo. he never even looked in my direction so i could at least fucking WAVE or something. i'm feeling...so weird.
okay, so i keep shaking, i couldn't feel my legs, and i've never wanted to run away from this house more than i do now. mom thinks i keep sulking, but i honestly have no clue what's happening. i'm feeling sooo odd, and i really just don't want to get myself in trouble for snapping at someone or something.

xo.

may 29, 2009.

2009-06-27T22:49:00.000-07:00

i have a huge sleeping problem. it wasn't this bad during the school year, probably because i couldn't sleep ALL DAY. now i can sleep all day and stay up all night without any penalty. i mean, great. awesome. summer vacation is the coolest. but it's totally unhealthy.
hm. maybe i'll lose weight in the process. is that awful to say? haha.
okay, so i'm sick of thinking of him. all the time. nonstop. everything i do. when we were bowling, i thought about how he went to the laundromat. it's disgusting! ugh. cause he CERTAINLY doesn't think about ME that much. i cant wait to leave and hang with a new crowd. some new faces. you know, like i wanted two years ago. but this time...i cant understand it. i love the people i'm around. but i love them too much. i got attatched like i promised i wouldn't.
now what do i do, become a total shut-in to avoid getting hurt? i couldn't do that...i make friends. it's what i do.
whatever. we'll find out.

xo.

may 27, 2009.

2009-06-27T22:41:00.000-07:00

i'm not very good with words. they get jumbled and mushed together, and it's just one big mess. i just kinda want to show my own face. open up a little. but for now, i'll write it down. it's easier this way, eh? i mean, only got twenty-something days left in colorado, so i really dont have much to worry about. haha.
it's already seeming like moving time. it didn't feel like it before, but since i ripped down all my posters, took everything out of my room, and trashed half of my shit, its hitting me. and hard. the whole house is pale and lifeless. we're stripping it of two years of LIFE. we cried, laughed, cooked, danced, fought, LIVED in that house.
perks of moving: new people, new atmosphere, new stuff, new life.
disadvantages: all of the above.
jesus, it sucks. but at least the worst of it is over. all i have to do now is pretend to be happy and cross off the days until we leave this place. im gonna be devastaded leaving my best friends, but what can you do? hm.
fucking mountains. i think i might actually miss them! looming piles of rock. hey, trading it for shoreline might not be half bad, though. and frightened rabbit in a month and a half? that could be epic. i hope richard pulls through, becaaaaause that could be the highlight of my summer.
but whatever. time to pack more shit. i'm actually thinking i just want to throw it away.

xo.

ooooh.

2009-05-01T09:47:00.000-07:00

how badass?
english. it's super easy. most of the time, it's super fun. but today? the most boring time i've ever had ever. haha. only a few minutes left in class, and i get a little antsy every single time the clock gets to this time. i guess it's all part of habit? but that's a longer story than i have time for ;)

hey there.

2009-04-18T23:19:00.000-07:00

i'm pretty sure you're the only one to ever read this ever,
so.
hey there, bestfriend :]

just another day.

2009-04-03T22:32:00.000-07:00

"i hate that you know the person you're supposed to be with is the one who hurts you the most, and it hurts even worse because that person means so much to you."
and he's absolutely right.

i hate that i want to help him so much.
i hate that nothing i can ever do is enough to make up for all the time i wasn't there for him.
i hate this, i hate this, i hate this.
i hate how it's late at night, and my eyes are burning from crying.
i hate how my whole body hurts.
i hate how i cant be everything.
i hate how i cant make him smile anymore.
i hate how this person...this person doesn't seem like the person i knew.
i hate how i dont even know my best friend anymore.
i hate that his hatred for himself is much more evident in his eyes than how much i love and care.
i hate that i'm right under his nose.
and i hate that he thinks no one's there.
when i've always been here.
i'm always here.
i'll always be here.